Love, the great leveler

I am afraid.

I Imagine I'm a coward

Perhaps I'm a coward. Perhaps I'm not even a good man. Isn't that the norm? Isn't that the average man? Perhaps I'm just your average mostly a coward and mostly trying to but not really a good man. perhaps I'm just another casualty of my own life. A bad story. Coz there's nothing remarkable to tell.

Another trapped dreamer perhaps? The dream is more of a cage than any reality...

How shall I measure my worth?

The quiet rapture of ordinary lives...

one day you wont remember me.

one day my words will be as the wind.

one day my face will be a fleeting moment on my children's children's faces -

perhaps when they laugh,

perhaps when they rage against this uncompromising cosmos as did their ancestor.

but right now i am here.

right now i am here to remember myself

and know that my trials are my tribulations.

right now i am here to scream my story as loud as the world can hear.

and here is my story:

i float up to the heavens in an inevitable dance like a reluctant lover,

reluctant to let go of that illusion of freedom that comes with powerlessness,

but loving the slow, warm fission with my eternal self.

lies, love and escapist tendencies

lies

my father had a scar on the back of his head where the hair had stopped growing. he would tell me that it was from his previous life, where he had been a chinese soldier who was dealt his deathblow with an axe to the head so hard, he could still feel it in his next life. this ignited my young imagination.
today, i imagine i was a bhuddist monk, whose contemplations on life, love and truth were so profound, simple and clear that i can still access them in this next life.
thus there were many things i knew without knowing growing up, such as that we are victims of our own lies - because no one can lie to us without us lying to ourselves first. and so much misery comes from this error...
i knew, even as i lied to myself, that there is no moral high ground; and that morality is yet another well meaning but flawed social construct that has fallen prey to capitalist tendencies. i knew that to also capitalise on morality i had to convince myself of the truth of my imagined moral high ground, then use fear, anger and guilt to bully people into buying into my moral high ground. people are then forced to lie to me and themselves to avoid the wrath of my divine morality.
and i must say, i got pretty good at it. i was subtle to the point where i could hardly catch myself doing it. in fact, i suspect i might be doing it even now...

love

is the reason why i must lay waste to the land and rebuild it in my image. i am addicted. afflicted. as we all are from day one.

and escapist tendencies

perhaps if i write a blog about it? perhaps if i understand it all, and display my understanding to all and sundry? perhaps eloquence can help me get naked without fear of people cringing or laughing?
but i know i must get away. i must get away from this cycle of lovely lies.

The Labours of Love

Of the many arbitrary binary oppositions that one can categorise the world’s people with, my favourite involves washing dishes. It goes like this: there are two types of people in the world: those that view washing the dishes after mealtimes as an activity that is taking them away from their goal in life, and those that view it as another step towards their goal in life. (A little note. Everybody has goals. It is just that too many people never explicitly verbalise them for themselves.)

For the most part of my life I have fallen into the former group, but am now applying to join the latter group. I want to be in that state of single-mindedness and work towards my goal every moment I spend awake. The goal is huge and... well... damn near impossible (...but would it be worth me if it was easy?). This goal of course you know grows as you grow. Flows as you flow.

It feeds my soul when I think of it and it is about time I reciprocate by feeding it the work it deserves. For it hungers as I hunger. Because It is as I am. It is I. To feed it it is to feed me.

Everything I do when in this mind state will be towards achieving this goal. And when I fall out of the mind state as life distracts me, I shall simply think to myself “Labours of Love”. This will have the purpose of reminding me that whatever it is that is occupying me at that moment is there for an explicit reason (if not then it should be investigated and possibly discarded) and should be pursued with the same love, diligence and care with which I pursue my goal.

So now, when I wash the dishes, you know I’m going to optimise on resources (my physical and mental energy, time and materials) while identifying process bottlenecks to increase throughput. Simply put: I wash the hell out of the dishes with a quickness; I wash the dishes each time as if my fates and fortunes are riding on how well I wash these dishes. And you should see me brush my teeth. I brush my teeth wicked, son.